The Seduction of Success (part 2)

As I’ve strived to lay my life before God, he’s given me new vision, as a fiction writer. But I still struggle with the question of success. How can I be a success if my manuscript is never published? What if it gets published, but no one reads it? What if I can publish one, but never again write anything worth reading?

For two years, I wrote children’s stories – fun little adventures I could share with my own children – but last year, God put a new story on my heart.  I’d gone through some difficult situations here, and my opinion of Korea was low. If I could write a story about a woman who comes to Korea and goes through all the things I went through, I could deal with my own emotions through her struggles.  I thought, “Great. I’ll write this story, and then I’ll get back to the fun children’s stories.”

What I couldn’t have foreseen was that God was bringing me to a crossroads. I had to make a decision about my writing. Would I continue to write for me, for my children, for fun or would I commit my writing to him, to write the stories that he put on my heart? I realized that, if I decided to devote my craft to him, it might never bring me commercial success. Maybe no one would ever know my name or read my books. Would I still trust God to use my talents the way HE saw fit?

I made the decision and drew up a contract with God. I would write, to the best of my ability, anything he put before me, and I would absolutely trust him to do whatever he chose with it. But that’s when the struggles really began.  Rejections from agents and publishers, agonizing rewrites, days of staring at a blank screen – how could God be in this?

What am I even aiming for? Is the goal publication? I don’t know. I don’t know where I’m going or which direction to take. I’m not even sure if I’ll know when I get there. I feel a lot like Abraham, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.” (Genesis 12:1) God is in charge of every aspect of my “career,” and to you, it may never look successful. 

I don’t know what God has up his sleeve, but I know he has called me to write. He’s even given me stories to write. What will happen to them remains to be seen. Sometimes I trust, and I’m overflowing with joy, excited to devote all of me to God. Sometimes I wonder why in the world I chose to take the harder road. I could’ve had a nice little hobby writing children’s stories, maybe even gotten some of them published.

But then God reminds me to fix my eyes on him, to redefine success by his standards. “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2) I have to allow God to change my view of success. I’m powerless. I live in the world. I’m surrounded by the world’s definition of success. I spent too many years buying into the desire for success. I need God to show me his definition.

And he does! One day I was agonizing over my lack of “success.” I felt like a failure because nothing was coming out right, the words were tripping over themselves on the page, and I was reminded yet again of just how far from publication I am.  But suddenly, I realized, I am a success right now. My book may never be published on earth, but it’s already been published in heaven. I think it’s hanging on God’s cosmic refrigerator, right next to the artwork his other children have painted for him. And it’s not perfect, but it’s beautiful because it’s a gift devoted to a father. So if you don’t read my story here, look for it in heaven.  I’ll be happy to sign it for you!