The ‘International’ in SIBC
I had great plans for what I would write about in my next blog, but something happened that I cannot ignore. At church today, we sat in the balcony, behind Indians, beside Koreans and Americans, and I was served communion by an African. Our family has been going to SIBC for more than two years, and I’ve always appreciated the “international-ness” of the church, but today I realized how much God has done to bring us together.
Do you realize the incredible gift we have? The miracle that God has wrought in bringing us together? In some cases, our ancestors fought wars against each other or exploited and abused each other. As we sang “Amazing Love,” I cried, amazed by God’s love in us and through us. We – from such different backgrounds, cultures and languages – are united in our praise of the Almighty God, knit together as brothers and sisters because of his love. What a miracle!
As I sang, I knew that God was giving me a tiny glimpse of eternity. The crowds will be bigger, and the singing will undoubtedly be louder and more magnificent, but this is a small slice of heaven, and one that I will treasure as we prepare to return to the United States.
“After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb.” (Rev. 7:9)
Success and the ‘P’ Word
I have a confession to make. I’m prideful. I know, to those who know me, it’s probably not a big secret! But for a long time, it was a secret to me. I didn’t see it. In fact, I thought I was a pretty humble person. When you start thinking that, you’re probably in trouble!
My pride isn’t always obvious. Sometimes it’s subtle, under the surface, barely detectable, but like termites eating away at the frame of a house, it’s there, slowly destroying me.
As I’ve struggled with the definition of success and what success means in my life, I’ve come back again and again to the subject of pride. As God has helped me fix my eyes on him and his plans for my life, I’ve realized that he’s intentionally allowed me to NOT achieve worldly success. It’s hard enough for me to be humble now. Imagine how bad it would be if I were a best-selling author of multiple books with people asking for my autograph!
Sometimes God allows us to be “failures” by the world’s standards because he’s much more concerned with our hearts. “What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?” (Matt 16:26) He has an eternal perspective, and he’s not impressed by our worldly accomplishments.
Think about that: God would rather have you fail at everything, but have the humility to seek him than for you to be the greatest in the world and never see your need for him. That turns our definitions of success upside down!
Maybe someday God will be able to publish my writing without me getting prideful, thinking I’m wonderful and talented, and my hard work has brought this success. Maybe I’ll just always be a “closet” writer and only a few close friends and family will enjoy my work. My greatest prayer is no longer to find success and fulfillment, but rather for God to only give me what will bring me and others closer to him. If that means I always fail, that I can wallpaper my house in rejection letters, so be it.
“Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.” (Deut. 8:11-14)
The Seduction of Success (part 2)
As I’ve strived to lay my life before God, he’s given me new vision, as a fiction writer. But I still struggle with the question of success. How can I be a success if my manuscript is never published? What if it gets published, but no one reads it? What if I can publish one, but never again write anything worth reading?
For two years, I wrote children’s stories – fun little adventures I could share with my own children – but last year, God put a new story on my heart. I’d gone through some difficult situations here, and my opinion of Korea was low. If I could write a story about a woman who comes to Korea and goes through all the things I went through, I could deal with my own emotions through her struggles. I thought, “Great. I’ll write this story, and then I’ll get back to the fun children’s stories.”
What I couldn’t have foreseen was that God was bringing me to a crossroads. I had to make a decision about my writing. Would I continue to write for me, for my children, for fun or would I commit my writing to him, to write the stories that he put on my heart? I realized that, if I decided to devote my craft to him, it might never bring me commercial success. Maybe no one would ever know my name or read my books. Would I still trust God to use my talents the way HE saw fit?
I made the decision and drew up a contract with God. I would write, to the best of my ability, anything he put before me, and I would absolutely trust him to do whatever he chose with it. But that’s when the struggles really began. Rejections from agents and publishers, agonizing rewrites, days of staring at a blank screen – how could God be in this?
What am I even aiming for? Is the goal publication? I don’t know. I don’t know where I’m going or which direction to take. I’m not even sure if I’ll know when I get there. I feel a lot like Abraham, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.” (Genesis 12:1) God is in charge of every aspect of my “career,” and to you, it may never look successful.
I don’t know what God has up his sleeve, but I know he has called me to write. He’s even given me stories to write. What will happen to them remains to be seen. Sometimes I trust, and I’m overflowing with joy, excited to devote all of me to God. Sometimes I wonder why in the world I chose to take the harder road. I could’ve had a nice little hobby writing children’s stories, maybe even gotten some of them published.
But then God reminds me to fix my eyes on him, to redefine success by his standards. “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2) I have to allow God to change my view of success. I’m powerless. I live in the world. I’m surrounded by the world’s definition of success. I spent too many years buying into the desire for success. I need God to show me his definition.
And he does! One day I was agonizing over my lack of “success.” I felt like a failure because nothing was coming out right, the words were tripping over themselves on the page, and I was reminded yet again of just how far from publication I am. But suddenly, I realized, I am a success right now. My book may never be published on earth, but it’s already been published in heaven. I think it’s hanging on God’s cosmic refrigerator, right next to the artwork his other children have painted for him. And it’s not perfect, but it’s beautiful because it’s a gift devoted to a father. So if you don’t read my story here, look for it in heaven. I’ll be happy to sign it for you!
The Seduction of Success (part 1)
What is success? How do you know when you’ve achieved it? Will your bank account tell you? Do your career achievements define success? What if you have a good family? What if you’re failing miserably at your career, your family seems dysfunctional, and you don’t have two dimes to rub together? Are you a failure?
I’ve spent my two years in Korea wrestling with God, agonizing over these questions.
For awhile, my life looked like it would be successful. I won a full scholarship to a prestigious college prep school and went on to study at Columbia University, one of the top universities in the United States. I studied Russian, hoping for a career with the State Department. But then, it all fell apart.
I struggled with undefined health problems that no one could diagnose. Was I crazy? Maybe I just didn’t want success enough. It took almost 10 years for me to finally finish my college degree, and when I finally earned it, it didn’t say “Columbia University” on it.
I struggled with my career, never quite finding my niche. I went through a series of bad jobs with difficult bosses, always insecure because I’d never achieved the success that had seemed so tantalizingly close. I worked at a few high powered sales jobs, miserable at the one I was successful at and completely failing at the one I liked.
When I finally started to see some professional success, my husband joined the Army and was sent to Korea. I quit my job to come here, and I agonized.
I was nearing 40, and I had nothing to show for it. My fellow high school students went on to run major companies, took hiking trips to Tibet, and saved the whales in their spare time. What was I? An Army dependent with no identity outside of my husband. No career, no future. I had three great children, but was that it? Was that all there was to life? What would I do when they grew up and left?
I spent countless hours crying out to God. Why am I here, here in Korea and here on earth? Do I matter or am I just a failure?
It’s taken two years (I’m kind of a slow learner!), but I’m beginning to understand. God does not define success the way I do. Success in God’s eyes has nothing to do with money, possessions, career, relationships, or even happiness. I can lose everything and still be a success because God has eternal vision. He sees what’s beyond, not just the here and now.
If I’m caught up in the world’s definition of success, it’s because I’ve forgotten 2 Corinthians 4:18, “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
God’s definition of success is very simple, not easy, but simple. “Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship.” (Romans 12:1)
God wants everything. He wants my hopes, dreams, desires, fears, even my very life. If I’m striving to serve him in this way, to lay everything on the altar before him, then I’m a success, no matter what the world says, even if I’m not hiking Tibet or saving whales!
